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It’s all my mum’s fault.

Here I am sitting outside the head teacher’s room waiting to face a charge of sexually assaulting the new librarian.

Pox.

Mum made me promise that I would do everything I’m told and not get into trouble at school today.

So I got to school and instead of barging through the doors I grabbed the handle that says “PUSH” and I pushed it. The notice in the toilets said, “Now Wash Your Hands” which was silly because I hadn’t even had a piss at that point. So I washed my hands and didn’t look at the stupid sign again or I’d have been there all bloody day. The next door handle said “PULL” so I pulled it.

I got to a sign saying “LIFT” and things started to going horribly wrong. This woman came up to me and asked me what the hell I was trying to do.

On her blouse, directly over here left breast, was a sign saying “PAT”.

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© Gary Bonn: 2012