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Dear Client

I love your creativity and enthusiasm but I’d like to point out the following.

The first word ‘Little’ is very ‘tell’. How about ‘Bo looked up at the thimble towering over her. She cowered, hugged herself and failed to evict feelings of pitiful insignificance. A tear rolling down her nose reflected the Pole Star/sun/headlights/candle light/luminous penguins.’ (You need to choose – don’t use them all.)

The surname ‘Peep’ is exclusively confined to Cambridgeshire, Hertfordshire and Middlesex. Are you wanting this work to appeal to a universal audience? Everyone outside these areas may find it confusing.

‘And doesn’t know where to find them.’ Is tautological and needlessly repetitive. Saying things more than once is unnecessary. How many times do I have to tell you?

‘Leave them alone’. What? Who is saying this? There’s no attribution! The reader may think you are breaking the fourth wall. Spike Milligan did it and he is dead now. I’m not sure if these two facts are related – but you may wish to reconsider this line.

‘And they’ll come home’ calls into question ‘lost’ as that implies Bo is emotionally distressed but now there is no obvious reason why.

‘Come’ home is fraught with problems. It implies that Bo lives with sheep in her house. This may cause children to think this is natural. I believe this could lead to legal/health and safety issues.

‘Wagging their tails behind them’. Have you totally lost the plot? Can a sheep wag its tail in front of it?
‘Wagging their tails’ works. No one’s going to be confused. However, by employing the unusual choice of words you imply something else – but neglect to clarify. Have the sheep removed their tails and have a choice of wagging them in front/to the sides/etc. by some paranormal remote control? Have they unnaturally long prehensile tails? There’s a whole supernatural element needing to be developed.
A quick internet search informs me that ‘docking’ (chopping off) sheep tails saves them from all sorts of nasty things. Is this about Bo neglecting her livestock? There is an obvious link between this and her losing the sheep. This could really be exploited and would be a perfect opportunity to develop and explore Bo’s abusive and malaevolent character.

I’m looking through the rest of your work.

Your statement ‘These need to be sung in a low calming voice to a young child when they are tucked in bed’ is one I don’t understand at all.

I know about children. They are going to fall asleep if you do this. What sort of a literary experience is that? 

I look forward to your revisions and many further payments.

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©Gary Bonn 2016